Saturday, October 1, 2011

Wanting the way it was.

Once upon a time, I had so many friends, went out a lot, worked full time, was a single parent and was a soccer and ballet mom. I was busy ALL the time, but loved every minute of it. As the years went by my life took some changes. My son had more issues then I thought he would have, I noticed that every day became more of a struggle to get out of bed, but I kept on pushing myself because that's what I had to do. I finally found the man I fell in love with and we married. The first year was harder than I ever thought it would be. I found out things that hurt me and I never thought I would ever be able to get over them. I still struggle with them. Finances got worse, I lost my job, had two surgeries with long recoveries, diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and then later with Interstitial Cystitis. This was not my life anymore. This was not the person I dreamt to be. I dreamt of a successful woman who had a good job that payed well and eventually I would be able to go to school and study to be a nurse. Set my kids up for college and have a husband who was proud of the woman I became. This certainly is no way for a husband to be proud.

I struggle every day now and not knowing when I wake up if I will be in little pain or a lot of pain. I don't know how my son's behavior is going to be for the day and if I  can handle it. I can't think or focus like I use to. I don't go out much and no one asks me to go out. I see my friends on Facebook post pics of all the fun things they do and places they go with their friends or family. It hurts me greatly because I want to be the person in those pictures. My husband doesn't even look at me the same anymore and I don't feel his love toward me as it once was. He use to adore me and I don't feel that anymore. It hurts badly. Actually, it hurts in ways I can't even describe. Do I blame him for how he's been? He wasn't expecting to be with the "Energizer Bunny" go to basically a vegetable. If it weren't for my kids I'm not sure I would be here. I'm hurting more and more each passing day and I don't mean the physical hurt, but the heart that hurts. I've given my husband so many opportunities to leave so I don't burden him and let him have a normal life and be with someone else who can fulfill the things that I can't. He just doesn't look at me the same....that's the part that hurts the worst.

Yes, this sounds all sad and depressing, but it's a place I am in right now and I've asked many many times for help. I don't think anyone has an understanding of just how much I'm hurting because of the changes in my life in the last few years. It's hard to see his life go on w/o having a chronic health issue, get invited to things and I don't because those assume that I can't handle it. They make those decisions for me. I would like to be asked first and decline if I need to. It gives me some control over myself still. It's hard watching my husband do things that I can't. So, is it fair of me to keep him in a marriage like this where he is held back doing things because of me and also I get upset because I can't be a part of that. I don't know the answers. I just want to be loved for who I am, the person he married and fell in love with. I don't want to be an obligation or a burden. That's not fair to either one of us. He keeps saying he's happy, but I don't see it, I don't feel it. What does one do in a situation like this? What if I am in a wheelchair in 5 years.....then what? I don't want him to have that kind of a life. I don't want that kind of life either. I need hope. If I felt really confident in our marriage and felt like I was everything to him I believe it would help with my health condition. I believe if we are depressed and down then our bodies feel it and don't try to heal. I just want my husband to see me as they way I was and be in love with that woman he asked to marry him. Without any regrets. I want my friends to not forget about me when they do things and invite me. Yes, there may be a lot of times that I decline but there could be that ONE time that I feel great and want to go . Don't just assume I can't do anything. Unless you have stepped in my shoes you have no idea the physical and mental pain I live with every day.

1 comment:

  1. "... In sickness and in health..." It may or may not have actually been in your vows (technically, wasn't in mine), but that's what being married means. You take the good & the bad, and deal with it the best you can.